Misguidance Counselors: In Defense of Rachael Ray

By Sam Beasley

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Hi-dee ho, Campers!

Long time, no chat! Mom and Dad had a busy few months, but are ready to kick off SUMMER! Before we do so, however, we have to celebrate the end of a television era… No no. Not the last season of Succession, or Mrs. Maisel, or Barry, or Dr. Phil, or Riverdale….

Yesterday was the last episode of The Rachael Ray Show. Sam had some feels he needed to get out. We think you’ll find this researched article, this documentation of our cultural past, an emotional explosion of persuasive wonder. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll start saying EVOO in earnest.

You know the drill, please click the heart, share this post, and subscribe!

LYLAS,

Sam and Marilyn, Ur Misguidance Counselors

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“A quick and healthy meal is only 30 minutes away.” 

“When you really want to show some love, keep the flowers and say it with spaghetti." 

“Yum-o”

These statements were said by Rachael Ray: TV host, cookbook author, Emmy winner, Oprah protege, and - according to a noisy fringe of the internet and most of my friends - annoying. 

The last of these quotes was ranked number one in Huffington Post’s October 2013 listicle titled “Rachel Ray Catchphrases, Ranked by Annoyingness (GIFS)”. The year it was authored suggests this article was part of Ariana Huffington’s attempt to keep up with Buzzfeed. Its lazy decisiveness does, however, accurately convey the common attitude toward Ray. One with which I disagree. (So did three “journalists” in separate circa-2006 articles, all with the exact same title as this one.)

Rachael Ray, as the trend for double R-named people, came to power during a conservative-orchestrated economic decline. But the country was in an even bigger national crisis (a writers’ strike) ushering in the sudden rise of unscripted TV personalities (scabs vibes tbh).

At the front lines of this crisis: Television Chefs. As the notorious Anthony Bourdain describes in Kitchen Confidential, “There were no catch-phrases like 'Bam!' and 'Let's kick it up a notch!' bandied about on television for a credulous public like there are today.” Like Ronald Reagan, Ray quickly became the most powerful presence in a field that she was not formally qualified to be in. Paving the way for Housewives, Kardashians, and many other famously skilless Americans.

The Rachael Ray Show aired its final episode yesterday, May 24, 2023. Ray is officially unemployed and I’m beside myself with worry. Feeling somehow responsible for ensuring her future employment opportunities in that “see something, say something” sort of logic, I humbly submit to you: A Defense for Rachael Ray. Now that means, in the time it takes to read this essay, I will offer a persuasive and healthy argument in the affirmative of Rachael Ray from start to finish.

Ray’s Multihyphenation and their Explanations 

Cookbook Author: Rachael Ray has written almost 30 cookbooks. One of which, she explains how to make the same burger literally 90 ways but with different toppings. One is just slopping mac-n-cheese on the thing. The book was a New York Times bestseller. Sure - every book is an NYT bestseller these days, but I’m certain Rachael can pay her rent. 

Economist: $40 a day, and she still got wine in NYC. Which is, famously, exactly how much it costs to wake up here. I feel budgeting in NYC means one RxBar daily and a magnum bottle of Barefoot to (against all odds) last the week. Ray’s prowess spans further than Suze Orman (if you don’t remember Suze Orman, she played Kate Gosselin on John and Kate Plus 8).

Marketing Trailblazer: Branding was invented by Ray in 2001. “Rebranding”, invented by Madonna, predates this. (Rebranding is often attributed to Cher. Cher has denounced this, claiming her many “comebacks” were only due to periods of unemployment ending.)   

Trendsetter: Ray naming her dog Izzyboo is pretty unforgivable, especially in 2005 when there were far too many Izzys and Bellas - both human and pet. But I saw this one puppy with black circles around his eyes the other day and thought, “Such a Pandela!” (Panda and Pamela combined) I turned west towards Chelsea, where the Food Network studios are located, and bowed my head in thanks to Ray for making my worst thoughts acceptable. 

Face of a Health Crisis: The medical issue has spread like wildfire through sororities across America: Nodes. Ray will never hear you complain about her voice (not because she’s as loud as a Parrot in a garbage disposal, but because she’s famous) but a communications major might. That’s right. The gravel-voiced party girls kept us alive in college. So how dare you? Without the “girl you met in the bathroom” to PR pipeline, what would we do with all of these excess McKenzies?

 LGBTQ Rights Activist: Ray is not just an advocate for the LGBTQ community but perhaps even a member. Saying, in 2010, that she would switch teams for Tina Fey. 

Dispelling Complaints

Fake Linguist: Ray insists on always explaining the acronym EVOO after each use. Taking up more time than just saying Extra Virgin Olive Oil. But EVOO is in the dictionary, so, just like Shakespeare and Milton, she’s a legit linguist. Other inventions include Delish (so delicious that you drop a syllable), Yum-o (so delish that you add a syllable), Stoup (thick soup), Choup (thin chowder), Sammies (Sandwiches or several of me). 

Not a Chef: A passage from Bourdain’s infamous word-painting/Reddit post on Ray: “Complain all you want. It's like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can't cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She's selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough.” Ouchie wa-wa!

In 2012, Ray had a chance to defend or even get revenge on Bourdain. At his roast, Ray opened by saying, “I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the hot seat, my mere existence is clearly insulting enough. 

Can’t Bake: In an interview with ABC News, Martha Stewart offered up some thoughts on Ray. "She's different ... she's more of an entertainer than she is, with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be.” 

Ray agreed, “I can’t bake.” Admitting that she wouldn’t have a career without Martha and that she’d rather eat Stewart’s food than her own. But, ultimately, Ray didn’t care because “I don’t work for Martha.” Stewart, arbiter of all things proper, politely retracted her comment. 

Unable to deny her true dom-top nature for long, Martha went after Ray again. Lambasting that she “probably doesn’t even have a garden.” Zing!

Bad Politics: She could have been a Republican (wasn’t everyone pretty much Republican in 2003?), but people might be surprised to know that TMZ reported her scandalous Election Day BBQ-themed magazine spread with fully visible Obama stickers and only HALF visible McCain stickers, which so indicated her left-leaning bias. 

Then speculation of conservative leanings resurfaced due to her comments about wanting her furniture brand (it’s real) to be made in America. Well, at least assembled in the US, parts made in China would be fine… IDK. That does feel v Republican.

When she became a Dunkin’ Donuts spokesperson an obvious criticism would be similar to Bourdain’s ​​”...she's endorsing Dunkin' Donuts. It's like endorsing crack for kids.” Damn, bro!

But the network best known for its reporting of conservative fairytales and bedtime stories, Fox, took umbrage with… her scarf.

Fox thought the black-and-white check was similar to a “traditional Muslim pattern”, confirming Ray as an “extremist sympathizer,” and that somehow was newsworthy. Here is a 14-year-old YouTube video for reference. Ray eventually pulled her dog health food ads from the network.  

In 2016, Ray told CNBC that Trump “was not qualified for the job.” Who’s more qualified than Ray to determine someone as unqualified? Trump’s team felt the need to comment on Ray’s comment with their usual incoherence. 

The Ray Impact

The Millennial Gaze: Ray has been holding the Millennial psyche for years after growing up begrudgingly watching her with their moms. Have you noticed millennials love feeling shitty while viewing home economics content? Like the condescending and darkly unsatisfied group of adult Youtubers/cooks, Bon Appetite Test Kitchen. Now that Bon Appetite has been outed to be a horrible institution, my friends still long after those videos like a toxic boyfriend. 

Alison Roman: Eventually, Millennials settled on our new unapologetic lady cook without formal culinary qualifications. Following Ray’s legacy, you feel like you know Roman. Like you met on Williamsburg rooftop in 2014, and she forced you to follow her. Now you can’t go poop without hate-watching her story. 

I’ve only ever made it through Roman’s Thanksgiving video and appreciated how the confused hipster friends in the background really captured the cobbled-together “Friendsgiving potluck that they couldn’t get out of” vibe. In lieu of cooking tips, Roman provides a Gilmore Girl’s train-of-thought deluge of complaints and humble brags. By the end you think, “Has she always been this exhausting? Next year, let’s say we’re celebrating Thanksgiving with your parents in Ohio.”

If you don’t know Roman from that holiday, you might recall that she was “canceled” in 2020. In The Active Voice interview, titled “Alison Roman is bored of Instagram,” Roman describes the full reality of this nightmare: “Some people were like, I used to love you, now I hate you.” Way harsh, Tai! 

Post-cancellation, Roman has released another NYT best-selling cookbook. 

Food Network: Despite her lack of chef-iness, it is not absurd to suggest that Food Network decided she was the blueprint. New York Fine Dining Chef Ann Borell’s first show is a painful example of this. Her attempted Ray-like catchphrase “Brown food tastes good” was growled like a pervy Grover from Sesame Street. She also spent several episodes introducing her own acronyms, a la EVOO. Needless to say, we don’t recognize “POC” as meaning Piece of Cake. 

Counterpoint - I fantasize about being on Worst Cooks in America and becoming besties with Ann. I just know she is an amazingly cutthroat gossip. 

What was I saying? Right. An unnamed Food Network executive describes Ray’s early business prowess; Negotiating her contract as an unknown so well that the network gets no money from her empire. They immediately changed their contract to ensure ownership of all future endeavors of their chefs forever.

The Giada of It All: I don’t trust Giada because she only cooks pasta, yet maintains that bobble-headed physique. Plus, I have a conspiracy theory that Giada got Rachael kicked off The Food Network. 

It all started when Ray got the FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women Alive because Giada’s entire thing is being the sexiest Food Network star. Or maybz it was after Ray beat her on Iron Chef. Seeing Giada’s face melt into a rage was intoxicating television. Giada then seduced Bobby Flay (the owner of the Food Network) and had him force Ray out. His third marriage was simply collateral damage. Giada got what she wanted, but at what cost? 

Guy Fieri’s Take-over: Post the Giada relationship, I watched Bobby’s joy for culinary programming drain from his eyes as I binged episodes of Beat Bobby Flay on Discovery+ during a recent visit to my parents in Kansas.

In Bobby’s diminished state, Guy Fieri has, unnoticed by everyone but me, started featuring his sons all over his shows. They’re actually just hanging out in the middle of the set like Fieri couldn’t find a sitter. Meaning, Guy’s kids have no marketable skills, don’t cook, and are without any charm, but now they have IMDb credits. Which is better.

Well, that isn’t fully accurate. There might be some musical talent. Bobby’s newest show takes place in a “speakeasy” (the set is leftover flats from a High School production of The Great Gatsby) and Guy’s eldest son, who is either 22 or 40, plays guitar in the “house band.”  Really. Can someone check on Bobby???? Have I lost the thread???? Lemme know in the comments below. 

Conclusion 

The closest thing to a compliment Bourdain ever gave Ray was, “[Ray is] a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that ‘Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!’" Ok, and?!

That is the only love some of us understand, Bourdain! My childhood was filled with brunette women with round faces loudly talking at me while they cooked. We (just me?) find comfort in rewatching the entirety of the 30-minute Meals reboot on a loop as we indefinitely WFH. In the background, I hear the soothing foghorn of Ray repeating her exhaustive apologia for not knowing how to properly cut an onion. Yet, that onion always gets chopped, and Ray never sheds a tear. 

This is actually why I wrote this. I can’t do this no more. I need Rachael’s approval. Please forward this link to her. Ask if I can be on the next 30-Minute Meals reboot. Or help think of new burger toppings. Or whatever her next grift is.

Just tell her I am her biggest, possibly only, fan. That I can chop an onion (no tears!!!), I have TV face (cutie alert!!!), and though I don’t technically know what bolognese is (though I’ve watched her cook it 100 times), she could teach me, and then maybe I could pour it over, oh I don’t know, noodles being held by eligible men in some sort of, like, spaghetti ceremony of love or whatever. I won’t cross that WGA picket line but once it’s over, I’d be the Pasta Bachelor! Or her co-host! Whichever! Cuz girl - we both need jobs! 

In Defense of Rachael Ray by Sam Beasley (@sbeas)